Tuna salad sandwiches and underpants

After sleeping on it, I have decided to fix up a special tuna fish salad sandwich for my pizza-thefting beagle. It will consist of tuna fish, mayonnaise, and cayenne pepper. Or perhaps white pepper, I haven't decided yet. I think that black pepper is rather too odiferous and would tip him off that there's something afoul with the tuna sandwich. Not that it would stop him from eating it, but if he smells something funny I figure he is less likely to take a big savory bite. I am also debating the pros and cons of making a little hole in the middle underneath the top piece of bread and inserting a sizeable dollop of "special filling," comprising mainly Tabasco sauce mixed with a couple spoonfuls of the ground pepper of my choice. However, I am afraid that some of the filling might wind up on my carpet, so I may not go that far. Also, I don't want to give him cardiac arrest, I just want to create the temporary illusion of a four-alarm fire in his sneaky, thieving little beagle mouth. I can hardly wait.

The real question is, do I let him have a bowl of water. I suppose I should. After all, that would be the humane thing to do. Even though premeditated clandestine pizza-snatching is a heartless inhumane thing to do to a person, I think I shall be the bigger one about it and let him at least have a drink. The real torment will occur later, when he goes to poop. And then we will be even Steven.

My other source of angst today is my underwear situation. Has anybody else noticed that the top of your pants keeps getting lower and lower with each passing season, but the height of the standard pair of underwear is still the same? The situation is truly vexing. I can feel the back of my underpants sticking up over the top of my pants today by at least a couple of inches. How embarrassing for myself. You spend your whole life trying to hide your underpants from other people, and then Calvin Klein decides to remove the top inch of your pant height all of a sudden to make a splash and before you know it, you hear snickering every time you bend over to retrieve a file out of the bottom drawer. Vexing, I tell you.

And that is all for now. Has anybody else ever heard the term "Croatian eyebrows"? My friend Jennifer claims to have them, and I'm just not sure about it. She seems to indicate that they are really "bent" and "don't need grooming." Is this so?