Is That Boiled Rabbit?

So I can't even believe I am writing this. I am twenty-seven years old, and I've got a 33-year-old problem. Her name, for the sake of this post, will be Pester.

How to accurately describe my relationship with Pester....I am a nice shiny all-occasion shoe. And she is the gigantic stinking turd clinging to my pristine underside. I scrape and scrape at it with a stick, but it keeps working its way deeper and deeper into my sole.

I think that pretty much sums up our relationship.

As ill luck would have it, we share the same work space, so I have the unfortunate displeasure of dealing with her on a daily basis. I will not get into the details of our long and sordid history together, but this most recent development has got me COMPLETELY freaked out.

Pester is wearing my clothes.

I kid you not. I came to work about a month ago in this new outfit, a pink shirt with gray pants. She simply could not stop admiring it. She kept asking me where I got it. And then I wore it again last week. And again, she could not stop asking me about it.

She showed up in it THE VERY NEXT DAY.

Now, she had never worn this outfit before. She even admitted to me whilst admiring it that she did not own any pink shirts AT ALL. Was it coincidence that she happenened to buy the exact color and style as mine? Perhaps. Was it happenstance that she chose to wear it with the exact same color and style of pants as mine? Maybe. Did she JUST HAPPEN to wear HER outfit, that was IDENTICAL to mine, which I OWNED FIRST, on the very day after I had worn it? I suppose it's a possibility.

But read on.

SO two days ago, I wore another new outfit to work. Gray striped pants with a black sweater. Very snazzy for me, I usually don't wear things that nice.

Pester was all over me like a monkey on a banana demanding to know where I got it.

AND TODAY SHE IS WEARING IT.

I only wore it two days ago! And she has never worn it before!!!!!!!!!!!!! And she admitted to me as she was fawning over it that she did not own any striped pants like mine!!! What the hell is going on around here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now I'm totally freaking out. Is this really happening to me? Am I really almost 30 years old and there is someone in the office WEARING MY OUTFITS in a vain attempt to STEAL MY IDENTITY? Some might say that I should be flattered. But I'm not. I'm damned upset about it, and I'm COMPLETELY in fear of my own life at the same time. What's next? Is she going to cut her hair like mine? Start following me around in her car? Smother me in my sleep and pickle my skin to make herself a personalized flesh suit courtesy of Hildy B???????

If you simply MUST copy somebody else because you yourself lack the originality to be your own person, AT LEAST have the decency to WAIT A FEW DAYS before doing so. I mean, really.

So I think I'm going to have to start wearing something really strange to test her, like my underpants on top of my clothes or something. Or maybe get a tattoo. I dunno. I admit I am quite unequipped to deal with this situation. But I can't lie idly by and let her continue to mimick me, can I???? No, I most certainly cannot!!!!!!!!!!

I never saw that movie Single White Female, but perhaps I should rent it and take some notes. And thank God I never got that pet bunny rabbit......