MY GOD, MY EYEBALLS!!

So the most dreadful occurrence befell me this evening.

I went to the gym after work and had just rounded the corner into the locker room, when WHAM!!!! Some old lady was bent over in front of me WITH ONLY A G-STRING ON.

AUGH!!!!!!!!!! MY EYEBALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE HORROR!!!! MY GOD, THE HORROR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I recoiled. It was a FULL MOON split down the middle by a band of turqoise polyester. Absolutely disgusting!!!!!!!! As I was trying to divert my eyes to minimize the burning sensation (and any resultant ocular damage), it slowly began to dawn on me.....wait a minute.....G-string....bending over unabashedly in public....sinewy, albeit leathery bottom, an odd burnt sienna color......Yes. OH YES, it was none other than----

PUMPKIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, friends, if you can EVEN believe it (OH believe it, my lovelies...although it took a few seconds to come to grips with it, myself)---it was PUMPKIN bent over in front of me, displaying ALL of her wares. I was totally nastified!!! I could not help from wincing openly!! (Just a reminder, Pumpkin is in her MID-FIFTIES and is an EXTREMELY abnormal color. She is the spitting image of one of those glistening rotisserie chickens, except not even remotely appetizing.)

So then she stands up and starts smearing lotion all over herself (which I am absolutely in favor of to help counteract her jerky-like appearance, yet somehow it managed to unwittingly enhance the "basted, slow-roasted" effect), and she TOTALLY starts checking herself out in the mirror. Which, by the way, is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. Why do people feel the need to check themselves out in public?? Isn't that the purpose of the bathroom mirror in your own home? You can stand in front of it as long as you like! Strut around, if you want to! Smear whatever you like, wherever you like, in the position of your choice! But is it REALLY NECESSARY to inflict (most likely permanent) corneal damage in perfectly innocent bystanders by putting on such an unabashed display of your oily rear-ended repugnance????? Talk about gross anatomy....

I do not have to tell you that I was altogether nauseated. I went over and started washing my hands whilst trying to shake off one of those full-body shudders---you know the kind. But I could still see her out of the corner of my eye, so I had to relocate to a completely different locker bank across the room before I could settle down and proceed with my business. Absolutely unbelievable!!!!

Also of note, I fixed up the tuna salad for my beagle over the weekend. I threw in a handful of cayenne pepper and half a palmful of red pepper flakes for good measure. Then I squashed it in between some Wheat Thins and left it for him on the table. It was a no go---he sniffed it and stalked off. Dang! My mom suggested a Tabasco-and-peanut-butter sandwich. It's not a bad idea---he might be fooled by the seemingly fresh-baked bread and gobble the thing down, unwittingly finding himself with a mouthful of Tabasco. Ole! It has definite potential!

And now I must find a way to soothe mine aching eyes....I could really use one of those eyewash water-fountain-looking dealies from chem lab....woe is me...