One Polymeal To Go, Please

So this morning I was reading about what scientists have dubbed "the perfect meal"--the "polymeal." Apparently, if you imbibe most of the components of the polymeal every day, it will decrease your risk of heart disease by a whopping 76%. And this, my friends, is nothing to sneeze at.

The good news is that the polymeal comprises all the things I like: fish, dark chocolate, fruit, vegetables, almonds, garlic, and red wine (well, okay I don't like red wine, but I like everything else). It seems that the meal is based on a Mediterranean diet, and since I have always wished that I was Mediterranean or at least from England, it makes sense that I would like all these things. Which I am enthused about.

What I am NOT enthused about is living until I am 150 years old. All the women in my family live alone because their husbands die off really early, and then they wind up getting really old. I'm not kidding. My great-grandmother (who rode around in covered wagons when she was a kid, I'm not even joking) lived to be 103. She never drank or smoke in her life. And I don't smoke and I rarely drink. Parallelism? I think so.

Essentially, I am horrified that everybody I know will die off and leave me living into my 130s all by myself because I, like a sucker, imbibed the polymeal diet on a regular basis in an attempt to cheat death. Is this a strange fear to have? Just wondering. I would really like to be healthy and all, but I'm just not sure I'm willing to risk longevity here. Does ANYBODY want to be 100 years old, slowly decomposing in a nursing home bed whilst waiting to die? I know I sure don't.

Which is why I'm seriously considering taking my friend Chelsea's advice: switching to a strict diet of fried chicken and chocolate cake--ie, the "ultimate" diet. And if I did adopt this meal plan, I'd be in luck, because KFC is offering just such a holiday special as we speak. Tempting.

The other horrifying realization about this new polymeal recommendation is that these are all things my kooky old grandmother has been telling me since I was a kid. She was always trying to feed us salmon pate (gag), rhubarb pie, and almonds. And she swallowed fish oil capsules every morning with breakfast, which I always thought was disgusting. What IS fish oil, anyway.

I used to think Granny was just nuts and felt pretty secure in that assessment. But now it seems that she was onto something. Which means if she was right about that, perhaps I should also be drinking aloe vera and snacking on some sort of jellied meat product made out of animal heads. (shudder)

So I guess what I'm saying is: eat polymeal, grow old, and die alone? Or eat everything else, get old enough, and die relatively young and while I still know people to attend my funeral?

Will somebody pass the fried chicken?

Weenies 'n Table Saws

So I was on my way home from work yesterday, and I flipped on NPR, as there is always a dearth of music programming worthy of lending an ear to whilst driving.

As luck would have it, I tuned in just in time to hear the following story, which had me sniggering out loud in my car.

Apparently, approximately 3,000 "digits" are amputed every year in table saw accidents. And that is amputations alone. 40,000 visits to the emergency room every year are a result of table saw mishaps.

But this isn't what made me giggle.

It seems that this guy invented a safety device for table saws, which he calls the "Saw Stop." Basically, the saw is able to tell the difference been a piece of wood and a human finger. So when the saw detects that it's cutting into a finger, it immediately shuts off, thereby sparing the wayward digit from certain amputation. A pretty intelligent little device!

It works because of the electical conductivity properties of the finger, which are different from those of wood. And guess what else happens to have the same conductivity properties as your index finger? That's right---a Jennie-O turkey frank.

Yes, this guy is going around the country slaughtering poor little turkey franks left and right to show how his product works. My favorite line of his, for why he came up with this ingenious little device is, "Well, I know that MY fingers are important to ME."

So everybody gathers round and he begins to saw a piece of wood, and he sticks the weenie in front of the blade halfway through and the whole thing shuts down just as the weenie starts getting cut. Apparently even though he is using a frankfurter, there is much wincing among the audience when it hits the blade. How I would love to see THAT in person.

You can check it out on the NPR site. There's a video of the weenie and everything. Hilarious!

I don't know about your fingers, but mine are certainly grateful for this new little bit of technology.

Excepting the fact that now I have to come up with something else to slice my cocktail weenies with for my Christmas party. Crap!