Treadmilling Pachyderms

Yes, it's true, ladies and gentlemen--the diet craze has hit the animal kingdom full-tilt. It has been announced that Maggie, an African elephant in an Alaskan zoo, has grown too big for her britches. And she will soon be treated to 3-hour workouts on her very own custom-made elephantine treadmill. What a lucky gal.

This is a subject near and dear to my own heart, having spent approximately 1/3 of my waking life on a treadmill myself. The good news for Maggie is that she resides in Alaska, so at least the view will be somewhat scenic. The bad news is that I doubt she owns a television or, say, an iPod. In which case, poor Maggie is looking at many many hours of sheer out-and-out boredom. I feel your pain, my sister.

Her treadmill will be approximately 20 feet long and only 5 feet wide, which seems a tad narrow by my estimations. The treadmill I currently use must be at least 4 feet wide. But what do I know?

In any case, I am glad that Maggie will be receiving some exercise at least, as I have seen the pens those poor animals are kept in, and it is a sad state of affairs indeed. It's no wonder why all the animals in the zoo are off snoozing somewhere every time you visit. What better have they got to do? Except the babboons, who are quite content administering oral sex to each other all the live long day, in front of small children and your grandparents and everybody. They are certainly not shy about their bawdy sexual practices. Kind of like Britney Spears!

I say release the poor elephants into a refuge somewhere and let them live their lives in protected bliss. And strap Britney to the 20-foot treadmill and let-'er-rip! Now THAT I would pay GOOD MONEY to see....I'm just FULL of good ideas....