Ask, and ye shall receive

So my boss sent me to a 2-day seminar to "enhance" my professional skills. It was pretty cool, for about the first 10 hours. After that, I kinda started to zone out. After all, there's only so much career enhancement one can take before it all just starts blending together into blabbidy blabbidy blah blah BLAH.

As I was busy zoning out, I started thinking about potential topics for my next blog entry. And frankly, I was coming up short on ideas---nothing was really jumping out at me.

Suddenly---wallah! Before mine very eyes, the solution presented itself:

A woman with a big fat ass was trying to squeeze past my table, and she managed to knock a hot cup of coffee ALL over the papers of the guy next to me. Haha! It was truly a sight to behold.

The best part was, he wasn't even there to start mopping it up and/or clear his belongings away. He'd excused himself only moments before. And her ass was SO big, she wasn't even AWARE she had done it. Someone exclaimed, "Oh, my God!" and ran over and started pulling all of his things out of the steaming hot puddle of coffee (which was running ALL over the white tablecloth). The fat woman swung around and looked down. "Oh no, did I do that?" she asked. (Note: Even though she was witnessing FIRST HAND what her ass had just done, she could not be bothered to get in there and help clean up.)

What made it so funny was that she had had a number of close calls with our table prior to the coffee incident. All of the tables had pitchers of water dispersed here and there for people to use ad libitum. Every time she had to squeeze past our table to get to or from her seat, one of us always had to put a protective hand over our water pitcher and/or glasses because her (enormous) ass almost knocked them over each and every time she swung by. It was usually the guy next to me who was holding onto the pitcher to make sure she didn't knock it all over the two of us.

Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony.

Unfortunately, I wasn't within reach of the coffee mug when it happened. And she seemed so unconcerned about it, which was what I found especially perplexing. If MY ginormous ass had knocked over somebody else's beverage, especially if it was rapidly saturating into their personal belongings, I would be sure to get in there and clean it up to avoid as much permanent damage (and further embarrassment) as possible. Which brings me to my next point: if I had been in this situation, I would have been HIGHLY embarrassed. But for some reason unbeknownst to me, she didn't seem to share that inclincation. Not only did she just stand there looking at the mess her ass had made, but she didn't even seem the least bit embarrassed by it. Unreal!

The timing was impeccable, I must admit. I thought to myself, "Cha-CHING! It's GOLD, Jerry! GOLD!"

So then the REAL highlight of the seminar came when the chick on the other side of me started piping up and contributing all sorts of helpful statistics. The speaker who was running the seminar announced her comments to the rest of the room and thanked her profusely for her contributions. Ten seconds later she slipped me a note, which said, "I TOTALLY just made that up. I had ABSOLUTELY no idea what I was talking about."

I could not BELIEVE her audacity. This seminar cost each of us $800!! And she did it in front of like, 100 people! And they were actually taking NOTES on what she had just said!!

"I DARE you to bullshit him again before he wraps it up," I wrote back.

Thirty seconds later, she raised her hand and offered up a few more tidbits of more helpful information concerning all the press releases she writes. She sounded very authoritative, and extremely convincing. I guessed I would have to wait for the bullshit comments, if she was actually going to have the huevos to do it again.

I promptly received a note back from her, which said (I swear to GOD I'm not making this up): "BOOYA. I've never written a press release in my LIFE."

The girl had SKILLS.

So it just goes to show you, career building can be fun! AND helpful. And sometimes, it provides you with a little reality check on how much ass-age you are carrying around. I consider myself warned....