It is a sad state of affairs indeed.

So THIS was interesting. My boss approaches me yesterday and tells me about this concert at the university that is for students only. I guess my boss really wants to go. So I was asked if I still had my old university ID, so that my boss could borrow it to sneak into the concert. Unfortunately, I no longer have the ID. However, there seems to be a much larger issue at play here.


Like, MY BOSS IS A MAN! And he is a big man, at that! And he has a BIG BLACK---


Haha! What did you think I was going to say??


BEARD! He has a big bushy black beard!! And WHAT about this scenario makes him think for even half a SECOND that he would be able to pass for ME to sneak into a concert??? I am HALF his size, might I say I am FAR cuter, and I have BLONDE HAIR. Oh yes--and I am BEARDLESS. Not to mention--I AM A GIRL!! Let's not forget this most important distinction! What the crap!!!!

So when he asked me about the ID card, I simply looked at him with intrigue and stated, “John, I really don’t think you could pass for me.” He stopped to think about it. “Oh well,” he says. “I just had to ask.”

What the?????????????????????????????????????????????

You see, ladies and gentlemen, this kind of shit happens to me ALL THE TIME. I could not make this stuff up if I TRIED. Absolutely unbelievable.

I also have extremely sad news for Hildy B. My bosom buddy Chesty is abandoning me completely and moving to England. And I say “bosom buddy” because we collectively share the largest racks this side of the Mississippi. (Wait--which side of the Mississippi am I on, anyway?) The United Kingdom should be proud to be inheriting such a fine pair of breasts. Oh, and she’s a pretty cool gal, too.

Which brings me to my next complaint: Absolutely ALL of my friends that live nearby have run off and had BABIES. And with Hubby working such insane hours, I have absolutely no one to accompany me to the park on nice days to run around with my beagle. I am distraught indeed. I will not go there alone, as there is always a strange man or two sitting in a van whittling things with a large knife or lurking around all by himself back in the reeds. So if I don’t have someone to accompany me, I simply don’t risk it.

As I am determined to get to the park to enjoy the spring weather, I think I've come up with a viable solution to this problem. You know those dummy dance partners that you can strap to your waist and hook onto your shoes so that it looks (from a distance) like you’re actually dancing with a real live person?

Well I have decided to construct one of those and strap it to my waist beside me so that it looks like I have brought someone along to the park with me. I will suspend the dummy beside me and get the legs to wobble around. And I will put some bling and a hat on it to make it look like a big bouncer man. Eureka! Then I will be all set.

It is a sad state of affairs around here, people. I am in dire need of some chocolate....