Lions, Tigers, and Bears---Oh my!

So I thought I would share with everyone the most recent entry on my Worst Place Scenario Work Calendar. It could be extremely useful in a pinch, I think.

Well, you be the judge.

HOW TO SURVIVE WORPLACE EMERGENCIES: TRAPPED IN A LION'S CAGE.

1. Do not run. (I thought "trapped" implied that you "couldn't" run, even if you wanted to, which I imagine you probably would. ?? Little confused by this step.)

2. Watch for signs of an attack. A low, staccato growl, combined with eye contact and a lashing tail, usually indicates that an attack is likely. (Hmm, you think? Plus, am I REALLY going to stand there trying to figure out if his growl is "staccato" or not? Doubtful!)

3. Find a defensive tool. Moving very slowly, pick up anything within reach: a water bowl, bench, or anything else that may be used to fend off a charge. (Something tells me a 'water bowl' probably isn't going to make much of a difference in this situation. But, I guess it's better than attempting to stave him off with your own bare hands.)

4. Back away slowly. (No shit!)

5. Watch for mock charges. A lion may make several "mock" charges before actually attacking. It will run forward, then stop. Stand your ground. (So are we backing away or standing our ground here? And are we screaming bloody murder at this point?)

6. Yell for help. Yelling may discourage further charges. (That's better. I see that "evacuate your bowels" doesn't appear on this list. But you never know---what's the next step?)

7. Fend off attack. Push its paws and head away. (RIGHT. I'll just gently push its paws and head away, as it's MAULING me with its 6-INCH CLAWS AND RAZOR-SHARP TEETH. EXCUSE ME, MR LION, I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND IF I PUSH YOUR PAWS AND HEAD AWAY AS YOU PROCEED TO RIP ME LIMB FROM LIMB AND EAT ME ALIVE.)

Ah well, just in case, I thought I'd better pass this along. You'll thank me later. Of note, these steps might also come in handy for certain friends of mine whose husbands attempt to have sex with them all the live long day and night. I'm just saying.