Chronicles of Home Ownership: Lawn Maintenance

Attention everyone: My lawn looks like the scalp of a balding middle-aged man.

Thin and patchy, there is nothing good I can say about the state of my lawn except that it hasn't required mowing for several months. I wish I could provide a picture of it, but I would be embarrassed to.

Plus, I’m not sure how to post pictures online, I’ve never quite been able to figure it out, so oh well. Use your little imaginations. Like Skippy peanut butter---crunchy and brown. With sparse little tufts of green here and there, like some sort of fungal disease. It’s not pretty, people.

So it rained a couple of weeks ago, to the point where the teeny grassy patches have grown just enough to make it look REALLY awkward. I didn’t trouble myself with watering it all summer, as my neighbors did, so I’m pretty sure they hate me at this point. Their lawns are lush and green, and mine is a patchy blemish on the face of the neighborhood. So sue me, I’m not as adept at these sorts of things as everybody else.

With a spring in my step and hope in my little heart, I set out to mow it for the very first time over the weekend. By “very first time,” I mean I’ve never operated a lawn mower before in my LIFE. Excepting the one time I took the family mower for a spin when I was 15, and my mother, after surveying the fruits of my labors, shouted something about how I was not to go near it ever again.

So I haven’t. Until this weekend, when I just couldn’t stand looking at my ill-kept lawn anymore. So I had a buddy of mine show me how to work the lawn mower, and away I went! Hee hee!

That is, until my neighbor, who happened to be sitting outside at the time, came running over and intercepted me. He pointed backward. I looked back. Oopsie! Apparently the lawn mower was set “too low” to the ground, so I was cutting big bald patches in it (even worse than before). Whoops! So he helped me set it properly, and I was off to the races. Approximately 30 seconds after that, however, my friend retrieved the lawn mower from me and gave me the boot. Oh well! You can’t fault me for trying....

So then I thought fertilizer would help, and it looked like rain. I happily filled the little bucket with fertilizer and sprayed it all over the yard. Then I went inside and waited for the rain, which never came. I fear I may have chemically burned whatever was left of my lawn. It is not supposed to rain for another four days, at least. Dang!!

This yardwork business may take a little time to get sorted out. I apologized to my neighbor for cutting additional (really horrid looking) bald patches into my lawn. He looked at me and smiled, and said that it would “be all right.” He didn’t look as though he hated me when he said it, at least. So that’s something.

I guess it's good I have a desk job. I should stick to that.