I hate you, stupid F---ing bank robber.

I no longer fear going to hell.

I've been there, folks, I've seen what there is to see, and I really don't recommend it. By 'hell,' I am referring, of course, to CHICAGO RUSH-HOUR TRAFFIC.

It took me TWO AND HALF HOURS to get home from work yesterday. Two and a half precious hours that I will never get back because some RETARD BANK ROBBER held up a bank and then fled into a residential area on my way home. The police proceeded to shut down EVERYTHING WITHIN A 10-MILE RADIUS (well maybe not ACTUALLY 10 miles, but it sure felt like it), blocked the entrance ramps to all highways in the vicinity (is that REALLY NECESSARY), and were re-routing us anywhere BUT the direction I needed to go. I wound up COMPLETELY lost in the wrong part of town, frustrated, alone, and close to tears because I had to PEE WORSE THAN I THINK I'VE EVER HAD TO PEE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE (and I’ve had some close calls)!

After 2 HOURS of being trapped in gridlock, banging my proverbial head against the wheel, I could not take it anymore, I was about to pee all over myself. I was desperate for a McDonald's or some such place to get out, but alas, I was stuck smack in the middle of some forest preserve. On a whim, I turned off the (jam-packed) street, headed INTO the forest preserve, and started looking around for a place to pee (ie, pretty much wherever there was room to squat between two trees). I really didn't care at that point! I was having to talk to my bladder, OUT LOUD, to let it know that relief was coming!

As luck would have it, I spotted a port-o-potty in the distance! It was like mecca! I sped toward it and practically lunged for it while my car was still moving!

In my haste to leap out of my car, however, which had come to an abrupt stop diagonally across 3 parking spots, I COMPLETELY forgot that I had undone my pants while I was sitting in traffic. (I had to go THAT bad! Wearing pants was too much strain on my bursting little bladder, so I had undone them altogether!) So I jumped out of the car, only to find that my pants were coming down and my belt was flapping around everywhere (how humiliating!), and as I hurriedly grabbed at the front of them to cinch them up, I looked up to find a woman standing in front of the port-o-potty, glaring at me! Holding onto her little bicycle, without a care in the world.

Screw her! I went running across the parking lot toward her with one handful of my pants and my keys in the other, and I practically knocked the port-o-potty down, I ran into it so fast. I don’t have to tell you that it was the longest (and best) pee of my entire life. I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE from having to pee so bad. Sweet, sweet relief!!! I love you, port-o-potty! (I never thought I would be in a position to say THAT.)

So when I was done I came out, looking much more composed, and the lady was still standing there with her bike, practically burning a hole in the back of my head, she was glaring at me so. I attempted to look as dignified as possible as I walked back to my car, but who was I kidding? So she caught me in a frenzied pants-down scramble for the toilet. Oh well!

I am a firm believer of things happening for a reason. But I don’t see any reason for 2 and a half HOURS of sitting there suffering in TOTAL HELL, I mean traffic. How irritating!! And self-deprecating, on top of it. Although I suppose it would have been far more embarrassing to have to pee in my insulated lunch bag.

Ugh....