Complete and utter mortification.

It's always something, boys and girls. But you know that by now. Let's just get right to it, shall we?

I had intended to regale the epic tale of renting a pickup truck and hauling my brand new mattress home in a torrential thunderstorm over the weekend, but I've pretty much just told you everything you need to know. We haven't had rain for MONTHS. On the ONE night I decide to buy a new mattress and have already paid to rent a truck to get it home, the sky cracks open and it pours like that time Noah summoned all of the animals two-by-two onto his brand new f---ing ark. And me without any plastic covering to throw on top of it!

Good GOD why does this ALWAYS happen to me!! Thank heaven for hair dryers, that's all I have to say.....

SO. The ACTUAL focus of my post today will be yet another run-in with the personal trainer at my gym who so thoughtfully attempted to swipe his credit card down my ass crack not so long ago. I know you can hardly wait! To laugh it up at my complete humiliation (yet again).

So the trainer dude bought a new sportscar, which I have seen him in around the parking lot. It is sleek, silver, and looks like a big penis. And I relayed this observation to one of the other personal trainers when we were talking about his new car one day. Mistake numero uno.

So yesterday, as I was treadmilling, said trainer gets one of his clients all set up on the treadmill next to me. She is a woman approximately 50 years of age. A little plump. She looked nice.

HE is standing on the other side of her, with his client treadmilling in between us. I looked over at him to say hello.

"So what's with the observation that my car looks like a BIG SILVER PENIS?" He shouts at me, (to my utter and complete horror!!!) IN FRONT OF HIS CLIENT.

"WHAT?" I gasped.

I couldn't BELIEVE he yelled that in front of her! This sweet older lady! What the hell was he thinking!!!!

I was just standing there with my mouth open. I didn't dare respond.

His client turns to look at me. I sort of giggle nervously and divert my eyes. Then she catches my eye and says, in complete earnesty (I swear to GOD I'm not making this up): "What, you mean it looks like a BIG DILDO?"

ACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I do not have to tell you that I just about choked on my own tongue. Not ONLY did she seem unfazed by this line of conversation, but THE WOMAN LOOKED AT ME AND SAID THE WORDS "BIG DILDO."

"Ahahahaha," I twittered. I had absolutely no idea what to do or say. The very next thing that came to mind was the NICKNAME I have for the dude's car, which is "Cockmobile." But I thought better of bringing THAT up, so I just kind of stood there with a blank smile wondering if this could *actually* be happening to me. I was so mortified! Oh my God! What do you DO in that situation???

So I'm not sure what color of pink I was at this point, but I looked over at the trainer again and he was laughing heartily. He seemed to think this WHOLE scenario was GREAT FUN. I waited another couple of minutes before clambering off the treadmill and scuttling off to the other end of the gym. Ohmygod!

So, there you have it. I've pretty much decided that working out is for the birds.

Ugh...