The dude peed on me.

Dude = beagle. Does that make it any better?

Our relationship has sunk to new lows, I'm afraid. I went to get him out of bed this morning (he doesn't like to rise in the early morning chill of autumn) (!!), but he was hell-bent on staying put. For all my coaxing and prodding and feigning to run down the stairs without him, he remained coiled tightly on his blanky, shooting me an assortment of dirty looks.

Finally, I was running out of time for his little charades, so I went over and put my hands around him to physically pick him up off his blanky and take him downstairs to the back door. It happened so fast, it barely registered. He looked up at me as if to say, "Leave me alone, biatch!" And then squirt! My hand was doused. His aim could not have been any better if he tried! That little f---er!!!!

At which point I yelped and ran to the sink to wash my hand(s) profusely. Man oh man did he get me good.

So then I was stuck with an entirely new predicament. If I attemped to pick him up again, he would undoubtedly pee on me again. Instead, I chose to tap him on the head with my foot and poke him on all sides randomly with my toes until it drove him crazy enough to get up.

Well, it just so happens that it worked. Finally! We were up and running. He scampered off to poop and then (no doubt) turn around and eat it, while I ran down to the kitchen to fix something to eat, also. Though I'm relieved to report that I chose something NOT containing excrement for my own breakfast selection.

Which brings me to my next topic: Do you think you could pee on somebody, if you really had to? Like if they had a snake bite or something and you needed to pee on them to save their lives. I dunno! It could happen! Aren't you supposed to do that for people that have been stung by a jellyfish?

Well, my point is that I don't think I could. Even if it was a matter of life or death, I don't think I could do it. A friend of mine, who I was discussing this matter with earlier (?!) (HE brought it up), informed me that he could probably pee on my leg or something if necessary. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, or bad. I mean I realize that some people allegedly do this for...their own "personal reasons"...but that's not what I'm getting at. Do you think you could pee on your best friend to save his or her life? What about an acquaintance? A co-worker? It's an interesting question.

Whoops, look at the time! Well, I'd better get going (before this one-sided conversation goes ANY further).

What lessons have I learned today? Umm, let's see...that the little dude that I PAY GOOD MONEY TO FEED AND HOUSE certainly has no problems peeing on me. He is such a sweet boy. Truly.

PS He's eating right now, and barking at the same time. It's hysterical. "Chomp chomp chomp, woooooo. Chomp chomp, woooooo." All the burglars lurking outside are surely quaking in their boots!

PSS If you break into my house, you are likely to get pissed on. And not by me!!