Now Hiring Oompa-Loompas To Make Sandwiches.

So I was sitting in the cafe at my gym yesterday, enjoying a brief respite before I headed home for the night, when what to mine horrified eyes should appear but an OOMPA-LOOMPA standing behind the sandwich counter, making sandwiches!

I swear to God. It was an oompa-loompa!

Formerly known as a perfectly nice-looking young girl who clearly should have been working in a chocolate factory instead of a deli.

I don’t know what happened. One day she was perfectly normal-looking, with light skin and dark hair. The next, I’m literally aghast, gaping at her in horrified bewilderment over the unnatural color of her skin and hair! The poor thing looked like a big sun-dried tomato!

Why, WHY do people do this to themselves. YOU LOOK LIKE A TANGELO WITH HAIR. Which, coincidentally, she dyed this weird dark reddish orange color to match her freakish new-fangled skin color.

It was unbearable to me to watch her making a public appearance in that unnatural state! Somebody should tell her! Grab her by her carrot-colored shoulders and shout, “My little lamb, what have you DONE to yourself?! Willie Wonka called, and said to return to the factory, at once!!”

Since you clearly won't listen to reason, my little pumpkin, I have put together the following, which I hope to God will get through to you.

Oompa, loompa doom-pa-de doo
I have a lit-tle nugget for you

Oompa, loompa, doom-pa-de dee
If you are wise you’ll listen to me

What do you get when you dye your hair red?
Snick-ering, stares and tangelo head

Looks like it smeared all down on your face
Shoe polish rubbed all over the place

I don’t like the look of it

Oompa, loompa doom-pa-dee dah
Wash off the tan and you will go far

You will live in hap-piness too

Like the oompa loompa doom-pa-dee do!


Oh, honey. Honestly.