Hildy B, Author??

Yes! Yes, my dearest friends, I have amazing news. An incredibly savvy publishing house has contacted me about publishing my drivel! I mean, my writings! Isn't that fantastic?

The truth of the matter is that I have written a children's book and submitted it for publication. And eureka! There was a bite on my little line! How about it!! I shall be joining the ranks of Madonna and Jamie Lee Curtis, both of whom have bared their breasts in public for money. Don't we have so much in common? Excepting the fact that now they are demure little housewives living the wholesome family life. I have no such plans of my own. MY breasts simply won't be tied down.

You think I'm joking! Haha, the joke is on you, my friends.

I am overjoyed, as expected. If all goes to plan, they would like to publish my book this fall. Wowie! And then I may begin tormenting small children by the thousands with my ill brand of humour (spelled the "Eeenglish" way for Chelsea's benefit, as she is a full-blown Brit now).

My beagle is also elated about this most recent turn of events. He scratched me profusely when I got home, and then attempted to bite me.

Such a sweet boy.

But seriously, soon I hope to be paired with an illustrator, with whom I shall collaborate for my little book. Isn't that wild??? I shall have an illustrator. How fabulous!

Stay tuned, my lovelies!!!!! It's about to get a little crazy 'round here.

Hildy B, Author Extraordinaire!!

Lions, Tigers, and Bears---Oh my!

So I thought I would share with everyone the most recent entry on my Worst Place Scenario Work Calendar. It could be extremely useful in a pinch, I think.

Well, you be the judge.

HOW TO SURVIVE WORPLACE EMERGENCIES: TRAPPED IN A LION'S CAGE.

1. Do not run. (I thought "trapped" implied that you "couldn't" run, even if you wanted to, which I imagine you probably would. ?? Little confused by this step.)

2. Watch for signs of an attack. A low, staccato growl, combined with eye contact and a lashing tail, usually indicates that an attack is likely. (Hmm, you think? Plus, am I REALLY going to stand there trying to figure out if his growl is "staccato" or not? Doubtful!)

3. Find a defensive tool. Moving very slowly, pick up anything within reach: a water bowl, bench, or anything else that may be used to fend off a charge. (Something tells me a 'water bowl' probably isn't going to make much of a difference in this situation. But, I guess it's better than attempting to stave him off with your own bare hands.)

4. Back away slowly. (No shit!)

5. Watch for mock charges. A lion may make several "mock" charges before actually attacking. It will run forward, then stop. Stand your ground. (So are we backing away or standing our ground here? And are we screaming bloody murder at this point?)

6. Yell for help. Yelling may discourage further charges. (That's better. I see that "evacuate your bowels" doesn't appear on this list. But you never know---what's the next step?)

7. Fend off attack. Push its paws and head away. (RIGHT. I'll just gently push its paws and head away, as it's MAULING me with its 6-INCH CLAWS AND RAZOR-SHARP TEETH. EXCUSE ME, MR LION, I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND IF I PUSH YOUR PAWS AND HEAD AWAY AS YOU PROCEED TO RIP ME LIMB FROM LIMB AND EAT ME ALIVE.)

Ah well, just in case, I thought I'd better pass this along. You'll thank me later. Of note, these steps might also come in handy for certain friends of mine whose husbands attempt to have sex with them all the live long day and night. I'm just saying.