The dude peed on me.

Dude = beagle. Does that make it any better?

Our relationship has sunk to new lows, I'm afraid. I went to get him out of bed this morning (he doesn't like to rise in the early morning chill of autumn) (!!), but he was hell-bent on staying put. For all my coaxing and prodding and feigning to run down the stairs without him, he remained coiled tightly on his blanky, shooting me an assortment of dirty looks.

Finally, I was running out of time for his little charades, so I went over and put my hands around him to physically pick him up off his blanky and take him downstairs to the back door. It happened so fast, it barely registered. He looked up at me as if to say, "Leave me alone, biatch!" And then squirt! My hand was doused. His aim could not have been any better if he tried! That little f---er!!!!

At which point I yelped and ran to the sink to wash my hand(s) profusely. Man oh man did he get me good.

So then I was stuck with an entirely new predicament. If I attemped to pick him up again, he would undoubtedly pee on me again. Instead, I chose to tap him on the head with my foot and poke him on all sides randomly with my toes until it drove him crazy enough to get up.

Well, it just so happens that it worked. Finally! We were up and running. He scampered off to poop and then (no doubt) turn around and eat it, while I ran down to the kitchen to fix something to eat, also. Though I'm relieved to report that I chose something NOT containing excrement for my own breakfast selection.

Which brings me to my next topic: Do you think you could pee on somebody, if you really had to? Like if they had a snake bite or something and you needed to pee on them to save their lives. I dunno! It could happen! Aren't you supposed to do that for people that have been stung by a jellyfish?

Well, my point is that I don't think I could. Even if it was a matter of life or death, I don't think I could do it. A friend of mine, who I was discussing this matter with earlier (?!) (HE brought it up), informed me that he could probably pee on my leg or something if necessary. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, or bad. I mean I realize that some people allegedly do this for...their own "personal reasons"...but that's not what I'm getting at. Do you think you could pee on your best friend to save his or her life? What about an acquaintance? A co-worker? It's an interesting question.

Whoops, look at the time! Well, I'd better get going (before this one-sided conversation goes ANY further).

What lessons have I learned today? Umm, let's see...that the little dude that I PAY GOOD MONEY TO FEED AND HOUSE certainly has no problems peeing on me. He is such a sweet boy. Truly.

PS He's eating right now, and barking at the same time. It's hysterical. "Chomp chomp chomp, woooooo. Chomp chomp, woooooo." All the burglars lurking outside are surely quaking in their boots!

PSS If you break into my house, you are likely to get pissed on. And not by me!!

Confessions of a Dentally Challenged Blonde.

I have a confession to make. And it's not pretty.

This morning our Human Resources folks issued a company-wide e-mail stating that someone had found a blue toothbrush by the elevator and turned it into the receptionist. I thought to myself, "Hahaha, who would be careless enough to lose their TOOTHBRUSH at work? What an IDIOT!"

I subsequently received an e-mail from a co-worker who jokingly accused me of having misplaced my toothbrush, and I should go down and claim it. Haha. He then proceeded to comment "Who on earth would re-claim a lost toothbrush?" I e-mailed him back and stated that I would have to go purchase a new one now that it has been manhandled by X amount of people, etc, etc (being that I am a germophobe and all).

Ha ha.

Um, yeah---it turns out that WAS my toothbrush.

I say WAS because (a) I have NO intention of re-claiming it whatsoEVER, (b) I would be TOO HUMILIATED to walk up to the desk and ask for my toothbrush back, and (c) I would have no use for it anyway. Like I said, it's been molested by God-only-knows-whose-hands by now.

As it is, I didn't use it for brushing my teeth. It came in handy for make-up application, and I guess it fell out of my cosmetics bag this morning as I stepped off the elevator. So to make it worse, it was a DIRTY toothbrush. Not DIRTY, per se, but I'm sure it had make-up on it, so it's not like it was pristine white or anything.

"Attention everyone: Someone lost their DIRTY toothbrush by the elevator. Please come claim it."

Yeah, RIGHT.

Yes, ladies and gents, I am a BIMBO. And I LOST MY TOOTHBRUSH. AT WORK. HA-HA.

*sigh.....*

Random question. (Brace yourself.)

Do pineapples float in water? Like, a whole pineapple? They would sink, wouldn’t they?

I was discussing the matter of SpongeBob Squarepants’ residence with a co-worker. It happens to be a pineapple at the bottom of the sea.

Obviously he couldn’t live in a coconut, because coconuts float. As do apples. And very small rocks.

But what about pineapples? Pineapple rings don’t float in pineapple juice. But presumably, pineapple juice would have different buoyancy properties than water. Wouldn’t it?

I’m afraid I may be inclined to obtain a pineapple this weekend and chuck it in my bathtub. At which time I will be forced to admit to myself that I am LEGALLY INSANE.

If you happen to know the answer to this question, please help a girl out and let me know so I can put this baby to bed and move on to other perplexing life matters....

Such as who keeps squeezing my poor bananas? When I leave them sitting out on my desk at night. Vexing, I tell you! I suspect the non-cleaning cleaning people. Underhanded banana squeezers!

Now Hiring Oompa-Loompas To Make Sandwiches.

So I was sitting in the cafe at my gym yesterday, enjoying a brief respite before I headed home for the night, when what to mine horrified eyes should appear but an OOMPA-LOOMPA standing behind the sandwich counter, making sandwiches!

I swear to God. It was an oompa-loompa!

Formerly known as a perfectly nice-looking young girl who clearly should have been working in a chocolate factory instead of a deli.

I don’t know what happened. One day she was perfectly normal-looking, with light skin and dark hair. The next, I’m literally aghast, gaping at her in horrified bewilderment over the unnatural color of her skin and hair! The poor thing looked like a big sun-dried tomato!

Why, WHY do people do this to themselves. YOU LOOK LIKE A TANGELO WITH HAIR. Which, coincidentally, she dyed this weird dark reddish orange color to match her freakish new-fangled skin color.

It was unbearable to me to watch her making a public appearance in that unnatural state! Somebody should tell her! Grab her by her carrot-colored shoulders and shout, “My little lamb, what have you DONE to yourself?! Willie Wonka called, and said to return to the factory, at once!!”

Since you clearly won't listen to reason, my little pumpkin, I have put together the following, which I hope to God will get through to you.

Oompa, loompa doom-pa-de doo
I have a lit-tle nugget for you

Oompa, loompa, doom-pa-de dee
If you are wise you’ll listen to me

What do you get when you dye your hair red?
Snick-ering, stares and tangelo head

Looks like it smeared all down on your face
Shoe polish rubbed all over the place

I don’t like the look of it

Oompa, loompa doom-pa-dee dah
Wash off the tan and you will go far

You will live in hap-piness too

Like the oompa loompa doom-pa-dee do!


Oh, honey. Honestly.

Bagels: High in Carbohydrates AND Physically Abusive.

So in the land of freakish events that is my life, I am astounded to report that something even more absurd and tragic than usual has happened so someone besides myself! If you can EVEN believe it.

I am sorry to say that a woman I know, who happens to be the wife of mine co-worker, was tragically knocked out this morning by A FALLING 25-POUND BOX OF FROZEN BAGELS.

Yes, my dear friends, ‘tis completely true! The falling box of frosty breakfast staples took her out on its way down, whacking her on the back of the head and knocking her out cold! Pun intended!

She was ushered to the hospital immediately, whereupon it was deemed that she has no less than a concussion. They are currently awaiting additional imaging results to ensure that is the extent of it.

What kind of crazy world do we live in where a beloved wife and mother of four gets taken out in such a brutal yet ridiculous manner?

So, folks, I guess I’m not the only one. Get well soon, Martha. And as I so helpfully noted to your husband, you may want to switch to waffles. (Although they do require refrigeration. Scratch that. Perhaps pop-tarts are your best bet?)

I do not have any details yet as to the where and the how. I inquired as to *who* could be so careless as to drop a 25-pound box of food on a woman’s head, and also *where* this incident might have occurred (so I can avoid it accordingly, before I incur the same fate).

I will keep you posted when I have more details to report.

Yowsuh!