T-R-A-U-M-A T-I-Z-E-D.

My friends, I am sad to report that I suffered cruelly this morning, as did the little mouse who moved into my house recently while I was away on business.

I discovered him as soon as I got back, as "someone" had munched little holes in all my instant rice packets. Apparently he was living behind my refrigerator and eating out of my pantry, quite a nice little set-up. I despise mousetraps, but what other choice did I have? I set them out. And for more than two weeks, that little bugger has been carefully licking the peanut butter off the traps at night, and running away unscathed. No doubt growing quite a bit fatter in the process!!

So, I am down to a mere 2 days before I embark on my trip to Europa, and growing quite desperate to catch him before I leave so he can’t run amok and breed in my house!!! So last night I set out glue traps before I went to bed. I put a little dot of peanut butter in the middle--his favorite.

So what did I awake to today? Only to the cute little mouse-y ALIVE AND WRIGGLING in the glue trap. His furry little belly was stuck in the glue, and he couldn’t move his little legs to run away from me. It was so completely traumatizing (for both of us)!!! I didn’t want him to die this way! Why did he force me to be so cruel!!!

So, I had to get a bag and PICK UP the glue trap with HIM ON IT and stick him in the bag and throw him away! OMG I felt JUST AWFUL! But what am I supposed to do!!!

He was so cute and fuzzy. WHY MUST THEY BE SO CUTE AND FUZZY?????

Sigh. I would like to note that the beagle was of absolutely no use to me on this one, whatsoever. How can he be so obsessed with bunny rabbits but not even notice the mouse living in my house?

The beagle DID attempt to lick the peanut butter off the trap one night after I told him not to, and the trap went off and sent him running for the hills. Now THAT, I admit, amused me...

RIP, little mouse. I hope you're dead by now in the stinky trash can in my cold cold garage....

Lessons in Beagle Logic

Problem: You find yourself standing on the edge of your deck after a snowstorm, trying to figure out how deep the snow is below you, so you can jump off and go pee.

Solution: After visually assessing the situation for a couple of minutes, simply latch on to the deck with your toenails and plunge your whole head down into the snowdrift until you hit bottom. This way, you'll be able to discern how deep it really is.

The next task, of course, is to sniff out a shallow enough spot to piss, so that your weiner isn't actually touching anything cold while you are going. (The same goes for pooing.)

This brought to you, courtesy of Beagle Logic 101. Tune in next time for "Lessons in Sniffing Your Butt in Front of an Audience, During a Dinner Party."

Ta!

Waaaaah!

Hello, everybody. I am officially sick today. And I feel like a big pile of crap! And my mother isn't here to fix me jell-O or fetch me a 7-up. This sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have decided that it's NO FUN being sick when there's nobody around to take care of you. Or, to put it another way, being sick sucks the big one when your LOUSY GOOD-FOR-NOTHING BEAGLE just LIES THERE LIKE A BUMP ON A LOG, doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to make you feel better. Free-loader!!!!

He hasn't even so much as come over to say 'hello' this morning. I think he's staying away from me!

Oh well, I guess I would, too. I sound like a gravelly old witch when I talk and every time I sneeze, I think my head is gonna pop off due to the sheer force alone. Ack!!!

I want some movies or something. And for somebody to make me a grilled cheese. Waaah!

In other news, I'll be leaving for Europe in one short week! So I guess it's better to be sick NOW than later. I just need to make sure I'm well by then. And me without any chicken soup!! Crap. Do I have to do everything around here?

Well, I'm off to go lie in the fetal position and dream about the good old days of dry toast and orange juice served up to me on a little platter when I was feeling bad.

Sniff.