Chicken Tidbits.

So thanks to “Mr. J” (oops--sorry--“Dr. J”) for bringing the following matter to light, which has somehow managed to escape my astute attention until now: that CHICKENS ARE MADE TO WEAR CONTACT LENSES, REGARDLESS OF THEIR INDIVIDUAL OPTICAL REQUIREMENTS.

Was anybody else aware of this?? Or was I the only one left in the dark??

Apparently, requiring chickens to wear red-tinted contact lenses makes them less prone to “cockfighting.” I am not even making this up. Somehow, seeing red actually makes them LESS aggressive and liable to kill each other prematurely, thereby securing chicken farmers’ profits. How about it!

It also, for some unknown reason, makes them lay more eggs, which makes the chicken farmers EXTRY HAPPY.

However, you could not pay me enough to want to poke a bunch of chickens in the eyeballs all the live-long day. My lifelong aspirations do not involve being pecked to death by agitated poultry.

In any case, I can think of a few people around the workplace that could stand to be outfitted with a nice pair of ruby contacts. Without naming any names, of course.

So, to recap: What have we learned here today?

1. Our best pal George “W” (and his sidekick Dicky, of course) should be made to wear scarlet contacts. Not only are they sure to be visually appealing, but as an additional bonus, maybe his testosterone levels will be knocked back a couple of levels and he will stop picking cockfights in areas of the globe he shouldn’t be messing around in. Eureka! Why hasn’t somebody thought of this before?!

2. My “least likely job list” just got a little longer. Right behind operating the forklift in a beef processing plant and cleaning port-o-potties.

3. Are there opthamologists that actually specialize in chicken eyewear??? There must be, right??? And as a bonified opthamologist, is that a job that you're "really" OK with????

OK, I think this has gone far enough.