I'm here to help.

So the next time you maim your automobile and need to come up with a good excuse quickly, perhaps the following could be of use.

On NPR the other night, I listened diligently to a segment about the top 10 *actual* explanations people put on their insurance claim forms when they attempted to collect car insurance for damages.

Unfortunately, due to time constraints, I was only privy to two of the ten. But they were GOLD, Jerry, GOLD! I simply cannot wait to use them myself--and I am certain you will feel the same.

EXCUSE NUMERO UNO.

So a motorist wound up with a sizeable hole in his (or her) windshield, and instead of going with the old “baseball-through-the window” approach, he used the following (I am not making this up):

“A frozen squirrel fell out of a tree and crashed through my winshield, landing on the passenger’s seat.”

Oh, really? Was the squirrel by any chance baseball-shaped and traveling at approximately 30 miles per hour when it collided with your windshield, through no fault of your own?

Interesting. It could be my shoddy math skills, but somehow I don’t think a 4-oz falling squirrel (frozen or not) would pick up enough velocity to do that. That bushy tail doesn’t fool me--they’re all fur and teeth. But wait--there’s more!

EXCUSE DEUXIEME

A man was accused of damaging another man’s car. Apparently, it resulted in a “sizeable dent”. To explain, the accused provided the following account. (Once again, even I couldn’t make this sh*t up if I tried):

“I was traveling around a curve at a high speed. As I passed the other car, my passenger-side door fell open, and a meat kebab flew out and hit the other car.”

Hmm. A meat kebab, you say? I don’t suppose the meat happened to be 3 feet long and baseball-bat shaped. Wow, that’s one powerful kebab! One that sounds big and mean enough to EAT BABIES. I’m sorry, I’ve had chicken satay plenty of times, and there’s just not enough meat on there to get the job done. That goes double for smashing up automobiles.

So what have we learned here today? That automobiles and baseball equipment DO NOT MIX. Next time you catch Sammy Sosa sneaking around your garage at night, call the police immediately! And be prepared to fill out one hell of a claim form.