Cornered Polygamyst Nervously Begins Eating Salad

I don’t know if you caught the news story this morning about the “Wanted” polygamist Warren Jeffs, who has reportedly been on the lamb for arranging marriages between underage girls and older men.

If you missed it, it was a beaut.

Apparently Jeffs was traveling through Nevada with “one of his wives” and his brother, when they were pulled over by a Highway Patrolman for having a suspicious paper license plate. Jeffs grew uncomfortable as the patrolman began asking them questions, and responded by whipping out a salad, and nervously beginning to eat it.

The patrolman said that he knew something was amiss as he watched Jeffs eat the salad with his “carotid artery pumping.”

This has GOT to be one of the stranger things I’ve heard lately. First, that his dude’s fight-or-flight response indicated to him that he should begin EATING SALAD IMMEDIATELY. Was this supposed to make him seem nonchalant? Because I can guarantee that the LAST thing on my mind, if pulled over by a highway trooper, would be to EAT SALAD. I mean, come on.

Second, I am surprised that the patrolman had the presence of mind to hone in on Jeff’s carotid artery, of all things. Admittedly, the situation is strange enough to begin with, what with the rapid imbibement of leafy greens upon conducting a routine traffic stop. But to notice the activities of his CAROTID ARTERY....well, that to me is a pretty observant patrolman.

I found the story incredibly amusing. And now Jeffs has landed himself in a whole mess of trouble because of it. Can I just say, what an IDIOT. For my money, he might as well have lit up a crack pipe in front of the patrolman, and pretended everything was fine.

I hereby declare Warren Jeffs the Biggest Bozo On the Road This Week. Trailed closely by the Chinese woman who attempted to teach her DOG how to drive and consequently wound up in a head-on collision with oncoming traffic. Paraphrased quote: “I thought he could drive because he’s watched me do it so many times before.”

And now my head hurts, and I must retire.