I love the media.

I would like to praise the media, once again, for their superb up-to-the-minute coverage of the crucial events going on in the world today.

Just yesterday I was reading a fascinating headlined story about how Eric Clapton has “begun playing the song ‘Cocaine’ again,” after “choosing not to perform it after he went through drug rehab.”

Oh really? That’s interesting, since I saw him perform the song “Cocaine,” in person, NINE YEARS AGO...APPROXIMATELY 2 1/2 DECADES after he overcame his drug habit. I don’t know about you, but that’s what I call breaking news!!! Way to go, guys!!!

Consequently, my Favorite Headline Of The Day, which has been deemed one of the Most Popular Stories on Yahoo! News this afternoon, IS: (drum roll crescendo here)

“Fungus Causes Pumpkins to Develop Mold”

No shit! I thought it was the Evil Pumpkin Fairy that swooped down and put a Rot Hex on the pumpkins. Boy was I wrong!

Thank you Associated Press, for this incredible revelation. You sure do know news. I feel so informed. Where would we all be without you there to explain things to us?

I am also enjoying the 2nd full day of the “Madonna adopted an African boy/Madonna DIDN’T adopt an African boy” debate going on between “reputable” news sources. Because this is what the news media do best...post a story before everybody else does, regardless of WHETHER IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED OR NOT.

Silly me, I was under the mistaken impression that reporters were supposed to tell us FACTS. Wrong again! Man, I’m just 0 for 2 here.

It’s a good thing journalists are around to set me straight. I’d be so confused otherwise, as would the rest of the American public. Which might lead to wild leaps in presidential approval ratings from one week to the next, for example. Thank heavens there’s no danger of THAT.

So, to all you media types that like to weigh in on issues (a) that any person with two intact brain cells already knows or (b) without stopping to check those pesky facts first---bang-up job!! And I know you’ll keep up the good work.