Cornered Polygamyst Nervously Begins Eating Salad

I don’t know if you caught the news story this morning about the “Wanted” polygamist Warren Jeffs, who has reportedly been on the lamb for arranging marriages between underage girls and older men.

If you missed it, it was a beaut.

Apparently Jeffs was traveling through Nevada with “one of his wives” and his brother, when they were pulled over by a Highway Patrolman for having a suspicious paper license plate. Jeffs grew uncomfortable as the patrolman began asking them questions, and responded by whipping out a salad, and nervously beginning to eat it.

The patrolman said that he knew something was amiss as he watched Jeffs eat the salad with his “carotid artery pumping.”

This has GOT to be one of the stranger things I’ve heard lately. First, that his dude’s fight-or-flight response indicated to him that he should begin EATING SALAD IMMEDIATELY. Was this supposed to make him seem nonchalant? Because I can guarantee that the LAST thing on my mind, if pulled over by a highway trooper, would be to EAT SALAD. I mean, come on.

Second, I am surprised that the patrolman had the presence of mind to hone in on Jeff’s carotid artery, of all things. Admittedly, the situation is strange enough to begin with, what with the rapid imbibement of leafy greens upon conducting a routine traffic stop. But to notice the activities of his CAROTID ARTERY....well, that to me is a pretty observant patrolman.

I found the story incredibly amusing. And now Jeffs has landed himself in a whole mess of trouble because of it. Can I just say, what an IDIOT. For my money, he might as well have lit up a crack pipe in front of the patrolman, and pretended everything was fine.

I hereby declare Warren Jeffs the Biggest Bozo On the Road This Week. Trailed closely by the Chinese woman who attempted to teach her DOG how to drive and consequently wound up in a head-on collision with oncoming traffic. Paraphrased quote: “I thought he could drive because he’s watched me do it so many times before.”

And now my head hurts, and I must retire.

Everything I learned in school was a crock of sh*t.

I'm so glad I sat through 12 years of public schooling so that I could be taught all sorts of things that are untrue. The latest and greatest is that Pluto--oops!--isn't *actually* a planet. Ahaha! Sorry, everybody! It seems the basic fundamentals about our own solar system that have been hammered into our heads since we were knee-high were largely based on conjecture. We just "assumed" Pluto was a planet, because we saw it from a distance, and it looked like one. Sorry for the mix-up!

Kind of like we were taught from fourth grade on up that each atom has one electron spinning in orbit around it, like a little moon. Wrong again! Oops! Guess the basic fundamentals of physics we were taught were also sort of "best guesses" that didn't necessarily pan out as time went by. Oh well!

Oh, remember the brontosaurus? Yeah, there's no such thing. That's practically all I learned about in first and second grades---the behemoth brontosaurus that lived around water and had a big long neck and tail. It was supposedly the biggest of all the dinosaurs. Guess again! It had already been discovered years before and named something else. Oops! So sorry to mislead you kids. Just try to forget everything you learned in grades 1-8, and you should pretty much be up-to-speed on what we are NOW accepting as fact about the world around us.

So basically, I'm not sure what the hell they were teaching us in school in the 1980s, but what a load of CRAP it's all turning out to be. The earth IS still round, right? Not lemon-shaped? We are still breathing a substance called OXYGEN, correct? Holy moly...

Also, does anybody else find it REALLY strange that NASA "misplaced" the original tapes of the moon landing back in the 60s? Riiiight. Because those little gems certainly wouldn't have been placed in some top-secret vault at NASA for safe keeping. Oh no, they were probably just "left around" and thrown out by the janitor on accident.

Consequently, if we really DID make it to the moon 40 years ago, doesn't anybody wonder why we haven't been back to study it?? And I mean---not ANYBODY. Not even from Russia or China or Japan. NOBODY. I'm highly suspicious of the whole affair. From the "waving flag" they set up on the moon's surface that day (there's WIND on the moon? Really?? Odd that that fine layer of "moon dust" was just sitting there, perfectly flat and undisturbed, no little moon-dust sand-dunes or anything) to the complete disinterest we've shown toward it, our closest celestial pal, ever since.

I don't suppose the whole thing was an elegantly-executed power play staged for the world to see in the midst of a heated round of Cold-War Chicken. Certainly not. We could probably go back if we WANTED to....we just don't want to. Right? We're sending remote multi-million dollar probes to Saturn but we can't be bothered to "return" to study our own moon. Been there, done that, I guess. Or so we're told. (We just 'can't find' the original tapes to prove it, that's all.)

But I digress.

Webster's defines "science" as "the state of knowing; knowledge as distinguished from ignorance or misunderstanding."

Oh, really? Hmm. The funny thing is, it's not the "science" that has let us down---it's people. The world is the way it is---it's our mistaken interpretations of it that have led us astray time and time again. Remember when the world was flat, and you could be persecuted for speculating otherwise? Um, yeah.

Makes you wonder what else we've been fed over the years, that will one day be revealed as a complete load of bull.

I can hardly wait.

Shower pics.

Here are a couple of pics from the shower my work pals threw me last week. Note: The belly somehow feels twice this size already.....ack!!




I thought we were there for a meeting! The joke was on me...

It's a Nonstop Fiesta.

Howdy folks,

Well, it’s just been go-go-gadget in Hildyville lately. Where O where to begin...

The PGA tour is in town right now, and the golf pros are working out at my gym, which of course has turned the place on its ear. I have pumped iron next to Phil Mickelson (a.k.a. Man-Boobs) twice now, and have narrowly missed Tiger two days in a row. Dang it!! They are paired up together in the tournament, but from the looks of it they have no interest in breaking a sweat together off the golf course. I have since been reading about the details of their reported ‘icy’ relationship. All very interesting to be witnessing such dynamics on my home turf.

In any case, our local radio celebs were trying to get info on golf pro sightings around town, and my friend Andrea made me call in to the show. They actually put me on the air! It was a pretty freaky experience. To quote Hugh Grant in “Notting Hill”--‘Surreal but nice.’ And, as it turns out, a couple of people from my office heard the segment, in which I informed the host that I thought I could bench more than Phil, even though I am 7 months pregnant. Ha!!!

In other news, my super-awesome work pals threw me a surprise baby shower, so now I actually HAVE a place for the little guy to sleep, and something for him to wear. Thanks, amigos! I have attempted to post a couple of pics from the event, here, but they aren't showing up, so I shall have to add them later.

I thought I was going into some sort of lunch meeting, but they had me fooled! In any case, it was tons ‘o fun, and I have been through all the loot at least 3 times so far, poring over it in eager anticipation. The whole situation is finally starting to seem REAL. It’s sooo strange!!!

Other developments: In addition to barely being able to put on my own socks at this point, I am now officially unable to get out of bed in the morning. I have to sort of roll onto my side and over the edge, hopefully landing on my feet. My abdominal muscles are simply incapable of pulling me up from a supine position anymore. It’s fantastic.

As a matter of fact, I was at the doctor the other day, and she had laid me back to measure the belly and whatnot. When she was done, I was physically unable to get up, so I just sort of laid there with my pants down, awkwardly, while she walked around the room talking to me about this and that. After a few minutes, she finally realized that I could not get up, and she thankfully lent me a hand so that I could cover up. How humiliating!

All in all, it’s full-steam ahead, and I am getting good ‘n ready to get this show on the road! I want my body back, dammit!!!

Anyway, those are the highlights. I would like to get into the skunk vs. ground-squirrel match-up that went down outside my (open) bedroom window at 3 o’clock in the morning the other night, but I simply must eat something right away. Perhaps that happy scenario will be fodder for my next post.

Ta!

We've come a long way, baby!

Here I am at 12 weeks pregnant, when I thought I was really fat.




Boy was I in for a rude awakening! Ahaha, this has been a fun trip down memory lane. Not.

Pictures!

These are from a few weeks ago, so imagine if you will a l'il extra belly, and that's about where we are now. Here I am in Rhode Island. This is the better pic of the two, if you ask me (for obvious reasons).





Here I am, standing in Queens. (On a really warm and muggy day.)

T minus two mos........

OK, sorry for the delay, folks, I've been meaning to post for a while---I have been waiting on photos of my unwieldy belly that have not arrived.

We took a trip to New York recently, and some belly photos were acquired. However, Stan has not sent them to me, and now they're probably not an accurate depiction of the BEACH BALL I'm walking around with, anyway, so I need to get new ones. Except that anytime Stan is home to take them, I am not photo-ready. It's a vicious cycle!

Let's just say that being 7 1/2 months pregnant in August is a "new" experience. I don't want to say bad, because it really hasn't been. But the heat, my God, the heat! Last night was yet another ice-pack-clutching adventure in trying to go to sleep without the air conditioning on, because our window unit is typically more trouble than it's worth. And trying to eat anything is becoming increasingly undo-able, as baby has decided that the new place to "hang out" is right on top of my stomach, with all his spare parts WEDGED up underneath my ribcage.

So yeah, I'm basically living on Tums these days, and trying to find a comfortable position to be in. The end.

I've gotta say, though, it's been kinda fun lately, because he is getting so big that I can feel exactly where he is at all times. He definitely has his favorite spots to be in, so I suppose there's not a lot of guesswork involved....but all the same, it's fun to be able to feel a little shoulder poking out, or a leg or whatever. He's almost cooked to perfection! And man oh man am I ready to be out of the kitchen!!!!

And that....is that. Hopefully I will be able to fanagle some photos soon! Even if I have to attempt to take them myself.....